Thoughts on Faith, Fatherhood and Creativity.
An Ordinary Moment of Profound Beauty13/1/2018 During Noah’s first year of life, he had very intense gastro-oesophageal reflux. I wrote a number of posts during that time reflecting on what I was learning through that difficult and seemingly endless season (see some here). There were times during that year Sam and I struggled to stay sane. Coming to terms with a baby that spends a disproportionate amount of its days and nights screaming inconsolably is hard.
Yes, it passes. Yes, these babies are generally still healthy. They won’t remember it. You’ll move on from it. These are some of the things people remind you. And they are true. But to be honest, they just aren’t helpful things to hear when you are in the thick of it. Really, you just want someone who understands. You just don’t want to feel alone in it. That’s not just true of reflux — it’s part of what it means to be human. As we prepared to meet our second baby, our experiences with Noah were obviously present in our minds. Will our experience be more ‘normal’ this time? Will we have one of those babies that sleeps? I am ever the optimist — but in this case the odds were stacked against Leo (as my father, myself and both of my brothers all had bad reflux when we were bubs). Three weeks into Leo’s life and it seems fairly apparent that his journey may be similar. His early days have begun to move in a direction we are familiar with. Short patches of being settled (10-15 minutes), followed by long bouts of crying and screaming, settled by a feed, then repeat the process. When precious sleep arrives, it is often interrupted early by stomach acid coming up little throat. I have been reminding myself that similaries do not mean same. Whether reflux this time round lasts 1 month, 6 months, 9 months, 12 months does not change the fact that Leo is not Noah. Whether or not we use the same coping strategies, or find different ones, Leo is not Noah. Leo’s first week, first month, first year of life is his own. And whilst we may find ourselves walking through similar territory we have trudged through before, we will remind ourselves that we have not been here before. This is new. This is difficult. This is beautiful. This may be familiar, but this is fresh. When I find myself wondering ‘how will we survive that again?’, I tell myself that is not what is happening here. This may stretch and test us, but this is a new path, we walk together as four of us. And it will have its own highs and lows to navigate. Like this profound moment last night, this memory I am drilling into my brain, this lesson I do not want to miss. Leo was in one of his worst bouts of reflux screaming yet. Sam was preparing some dinner and I was just holding the little guy and rocking in the rocking chair while he screamed. After 20 minutes or so of his cries, Noah came over to me, and climbed up to sit on my right leg, while Leo rested on my left shoulder. For a good couple minutes Leo continued to cry, Noah snuggled in, and he gently touched Leo a couple of times, while he watched him struggle. In many ways, it was ordinary. It was something I could have missed. A blur between loads of washing, changing nappies, keeping little and big humans fed and watered. But here is why I noticed it. So far during Leo’s short life my impulse has been to want to shield Noah from Leo’s cries. Obviously this is somewhat unavoidable - but where ever possible I have tried to take Leo outside to walk up and down the driveway when he is in discomfort, or I have encouraged Noah that he can play in his room if he feels uncomfortable when Leo is crying. I know how my insides can feel after a long session of baby screams, so I can’t imagine what they feel like for a two year old who has only ever lived with two adults so far and did not have any choice in sharing life and blood and bedroom with this new housemate. But, last night on the rocking chair I had given up trying to ‘resolve’ the crying. I just held my roaring lion and gently rocked back and forth, trying to be present with him in his pain. And Noah, chose to engage by moving closer to suffering. He climbed up to share lap with screaming brother. Without a word he gently touched Leo’s shoulder, and back and forth we rocked, we three. Authentic. Messy. Wonderful. And moments like this speak truth deeper than themselves don’t they? A Dad, a rocking chair, a toddler and a crying baby. But more than that, a window into what happens when we stop trying to fix each other’s pain. When we sit together, rock together, presence ourselves exactly where we are. Awake and aware. And even here, we will find beauty. Even here, we will find grace.
16 Comments
Trish Forrest
13/1/2018 10:17:50 pm
I feel your pain, but it's so true Will, if we hide from our pain we miss so much, I tried so hard to hide my pain from my children and Doug and in doing so I feel I missed out on letting my children respond to it in their own way, to reach out to me and be a blessing to me and feel their love, instead of hiding and missing out on what God could do through them. Through pain we learn so much about who we are, and we learn that God is with us through it, in it, around it, & with those around us. I use to feel guilty about my pain and what it was doing to my family, I always thought the worse, like it would hurt them and them and mess them up, instead of seeing God's hand in the bigger picture, that he was teaching them all sort of things that would make them more caring and giving adults than they might have otherwise. been. Pain is never a nice thing, and I am sure we would all love to not have to deal with it, in our lives or our loved ones, but we don't always have a choice about that, but if we don't hide it and let others be a part of it, we gain insight to ourselves, to our children and husband, and most of all God. Love is a powerful thing, knowing your loved ones, and God love you through your pain, in your pain, about your pain is like a healing balm running through your body, their love is like a medication running through you, you feel like as long as you have that you can get through anything. I think that's why God said that love was so important, it covers everything. We can't take away others pain, but we can share our Love with them, we can be still and know that he is God!! and he will do the rest. Even when a baby is in pain, they know that you love them, they can feel it, and we would gladly take it for them if we could, that is what Jesus did for us, he took our sins and he took our sickness upon himself, you don't have to hide your pain, you can't hide it from God, so why hide it from your love ones and friends, give them the chance to show love. God is love, and love is God, draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Don't let your pain be your enemy, let it be used by God to be a blessing to you and to others, blessings are new every morning, they flow from the throne of God, Amen 💜💞💜👆🏽🙏🏽
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Will
13/1/2018 10:41:26 pm
This is so beautiful Trish, thanks for sharing from your heart, your story and your insights. I value every word you have written here, and am really grateful for you taking the time to write them.
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Ranchi
16/1/2018 04:28:41 am
thoda aur pyaar do
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16/1/2018 09:55:29 am
It's a very beautiful message for all kids and childrens who wants some role model in their life. Father is the only one person in a life who will always be loyal with you and gives you the best advice. I will recommend this article between youngsters because they dont give value to their parents actually which they deserved.
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12/5/2022 08:58:23 pm
But to be honest, they just aren’t helpful things to hear when you are in the thick of it. Really, you just want someone who understands. You just don’t want to feel alone in it.
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