Self-talk with your shadow

Every now and then
in quiet moments,
the desire for ‘greatness’ wells up to my surface
    and takes the open mic in my mind’s stage

‘Where is your magnum opus?
Your mass following?
Your literary agent? 
Your flowing royalties? 

What have you been doing?!
How come you have not been ‘found’ yet? 
Why have you not toured the world yet?
Why are you not publicly adored yet?
Well…what will you do about it?’

It is like my ego
    has had a few too many drinks
    and become narcissistically confident
    and deeply self-critical
    simultaneously 

I feel both berated
    and intoxicated
    remembering that I
    am apparently someone special
    Worthy
    of best-seller status
    and viral TED talk fame
    a bulging bank account

Though I have also
    slacked off
    missed the boat, the train, the spaceship 
    I have turned at the wrong times
    paused when I should have moved
    moved when I should have paused    
    
I have failed
the all-important and never-satisfied god of hustle.

The crushing weight     
    of my not-so-specialness
    presses down upon me    

And I’m washed by a wave of
    disappointment
    anxiety
    sadness
    that I have not become great yet
    that I have not yet risen 
    from the ranks of apparent mediocrity

I’m still just here
    where life is happening
    steadily and quietly

And then, 
    I pour my ego a glass of water
    gently caress the microphone    
    from his trembling hand
    sit him down at the bar

I slap him
hug him,
look him in the eye and say,

You are loved.
    and forgetful,
    and arrogant,
    and afraid. 

Do you think something is only great
    if a million people see it? 
Do you think being known by strangers
    would make you feel more seen
    than the eyes of your own children? 
Do you think there’s anything out there    
​you don’t already have, right here? 

Do you really think
    the wildly successful version of you
    in an alternative universe
    isn’t still losing sleep over your crap?

Sober up, 
Chin up. 
And let’s keep walking
    the beautiful path before us.

He drinks his water,
    wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye
    and nods.

I breathe deeply 
in the wonder of my life
and walk outside.
​